All our readers and customers are above-average in intelligence. So it came as no surprise when one of you posed an above-average question.
What are our IceVents made of?
For those of you new around here, our IceVents, “Released on Thanksgiving Day 2018, IceVents set the new standard in high performance plate carrier shoulder pad technology. They have a set of slits to facilitate use as stand-off ventilation/padding for plate carriers. IceVents are the most advanced Universal Plate Carrier and Pack/Ruck shoulder pad ever created!”
That may sound like bragging. But as the late great Dizzy Dean once said, “It ain’t bragging if you can back it up.” And we can back it up. But how did we do it? We can’t give you the specifics. They are our “secret sauce” proprietary information.
But we can give you the Big Picture. Follow along!
The late great Sir Arthur C. Clarke’s most famous law was his third law. “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Spoiler alert: that's what makes our IceVents seem like magic.
IceVents are not made out of rubber or foam. We make them out of a unique and proprietary (meaning Secret) thermoplastic elastomer (TPE). Pretty much the only thing that our TPE shares with rubber or foam is that once upon a time they all came out of the earth as crude oil.
Our TPE, combined with a series of proprietary (meaning Secret) processes, allow us to create a cellular matrix that is 90% air by volume.
Yet it can withstand a load up to 5,000 pounds and weighs less than one ounce and works on everything from hard ears to duty belts to rucks to plate carriers.
Ounces equal pounds and pounds equal pain. We don’t like pain. Neither do our customers. So we work overtime keeping it light. (If you're into receiving rather than inflicting pain you've come to the wrong place. Sayonara, Charlie!)
What does this mean for you?
It means that even when you fully burden IceVents pads, they will still facilitate omnidirectional ventilation. In other words, air still flows through them even when compressed. For the weight, no rubber or foam on the planet can match this capability. This is game-changing performance for the end-users under load.
The advanced cellular matrix in our IceVents is exactly the same that you will find in the most advanced aircraft in the world. These include the F-35 ejection seats, pilot seats of the 747-8 Intercontinental, 787 Dreamliner, V-22 and many more.
We are the pioneers in making this available for individual warfighters, SOF operators, LEO’s, SWAT, competition shooters. We sell these to any good guy/responsible armed citizen who wants the best load-bearing and ventilation technology available today.
NOTE: If you’re a bad guy and we figure it out, we’ll interdict and intercept your order. And we patrol! (Refunded in full.)
Even if you're a good guy our solutions are not for everyone. We designed them for uncompromising individuals looking to elevate their physiological capabilities. As with everything else worth doing, it is difficult. Difficult means it requires risk and expense. We design and build the absolute best for a discerning few.
Are you one of us?
And no, our innovations have never gone on sale. They have always sold out faster than we can make them. For example, IceVents sold out completely four days after launch.
They have sold out eight times since, despite our increasing production. Same story for our IcePlate, IceShield, IcePlate Sleeve and other innovations.
In theory, while our IceVents might be “indistinguishable from magic” they are nothing but mind-bogglingly advanced materials.
In practice it means that if you want them fast then zap over to our website PDQ. Order them quick before we run out of stock again. Secret discount for active duty military, LEO, Firefighters, First Responders.
And yeah, right, busted. Inventory management is not my strong suit. Roger that!
It’s proving hard to keep up with the explosive customer demand for such wonderful, game-changing products. Not to mention I begrudge the time spent out of my Secret Dexter's Laboratory. There, in the lab, I concoct new cool (you should pardon the expression) tactical gear miracles for you.
So… lay off me. I’m already getting enough static over this from our CFO J.D. “Christmas? Bah humbug!” Willcox. Just ... go buy. If we’re out of stock check back soon.
My spiritual master was America's greatest Yogi: Yogi Berra. He taught me, "In theory there's no difference between theory and practice but in practice there is."
In practice, there is.
So you want IceVents?
Go for it.